marriage

Tasha finally got it right: Seek help when you need it!

Tasha St. Patrick

I was watching Power today (like the rest of the world) and was so touched by Tasha. While I don’t always agree with her she was my favorite this episode. I love how she acknowledged needing help. So many times, we (especially black women) are supposed to just shoulder shit and keep moving forward. To see Tasha be so open about needing help was EVERYTHING!!! She stated multiple times she was not ok and needed to talk. I was like yes way to be self-aware. What made her my favorite this episode is that not only did she recognize the need, but she did something about it without having to be referred or begged to seek help. She had a game plan to help with her healing and I love her for it. We must be proactive in all aspects of our lives. So, bravo Tasha.

What was also so realistic and heartbreaking to me was the person who should have been her number one cheerleader in getting help because they understood what she was dealing with was shutting her down at every turn. I have been there on multiple occasions. Once when I was 19 with a newborn and had no idea what postpartum was and kept being told I had to get over it because I had done this to myself. Another time was saying I wanted to be a therapist and being told by family my career choice was a joke. But let me get back to Power... James originally did not want to even consider the grief group. He said he wasn’t feeling it. I found myself feeling like I was back at work with my forensic clients asking them what’s not to feel? A safe place to say you are hurt (which clearly, he needed). Unfortunately, the way James was acting is nothing new. Saying “I’m not feeling that” or some other derivative is too common.

What also had me side eyeing James was the fact that he didn’t trust her to grieve and describe her feelings because they are different from the people in the group. Sure, the other people in the group probably were not drug dealing murders, who had an affair with the DA and missed what was happening to their son which lead to all this anyway, but a grieving parent is a grieving parent. After all the secrets (setting up Canaan, providing an alibi for killing Lobos, and whatever else) and shenanigans she has dealt with and handled like the proverbial “ride or die chick” why question her now? Why not give her what she needed? Like she said, she can discuss her feelings without discussing the other stuff.

While I baby clap him for being willing to go he was there again blocking Tasha from getting what she truly needed. Simply showing up to the group is not enough for some people. They need to be able to interact and share their feelings (the point of the group anyway). She felt led to share and he shut her down so smoothly. As he has done in their marriage multiple times (but that’s not even why I’m here). Him stopping her from sharing struck me on several layers and I will try to unpack a few…

On the surface you have a husband shutting down a wife who has said she needs help. When people reach out for help or admit to feeling vulnerable, not right, sad, or whatever listen to them. Shutting them down only ensures the next time they will not be sharing their feelings with you. Telling people to get over it, toughen up, or put their big girl panties on is not always the answer. In fact, if a person is actually feeling something I can almost guarantee it makes their stomach turn to hear their loved one say some insensitive shit like that, and they will think twice before opening up again. Why are we so quick to shut down a person who is expressing vulnerability?

On another layer, we have someone telling another person not to do the very thing they think will help them. Tasha felt lead to the group and simply on the strength that she thought it would help her it would have in some way. We have got to stop shutting people down from getting help their way. Which lead me to religion. The minute someone wants to cleanse their energy someone calls it witchcraft. The negative connotation associated with magic, ancient healing rituals, and being a witch is also not why I am here but needs to be mentioned. The second someone says Allah instead of God they become a terrorist. Everything doesn’t work for everyone. The reason some medicines work for some people and are like skittles to another person, the way some children need timeouts and others need a spanking (yes I said it) or removal of toys, its simple… WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. It is perfectly ok to believe, practice, and grieve differently. We must allow people to choose their own path and then respect when their choice does not match our own.

While Tasha has a few more episodes left to deal with her demons, and her choices, you reading this do not have to wait. I wish I could say do this and the pain will go away, but it is not that simple. You must put the work in and be willing to expose yourself. Being self-aware is not for the faint of heart. When you really trying to change and really trying to heal, it has been my experience personally and professionally that it will hurt worse first. It’s like when you really cleaning up and organizing so you pull stuff out of hiding and it looks a hot mess before it looks clean. Be brave like Tasha and admit you need help, but also seek help. It’s not going to be easy the question is are you willing to stick it through?

4 Positions to Drive Him Wild

With it being love day and all I know everyone is thinking about the chocolate, wine, steaks and of course some good ole bedroom action, and I am no different. This post however is…

Every woman wants her man to be crazy over her. We want to feel like his life revolves around us, and would kiss the ground we walk on. Ladies, am I right? We want out man to smile at us proudly as we kill whatever goals we have set for ourselves, and simultaneously rip our clothes off like we are Halle Berry’s porn star twin in the bedroom.

This is the reason why #relationshipgoals is a trending hashtag on social media. Not a believer? Look it up and you will see an array of pictures. You will find pics displaying pride, lust, and everything in between. Girlfriends and wives everywhere are drooling over the way Jay Z holds Beyonce’s ankle. While cheering and leaving smiling emojis as we discovered that Tammy took back Wacka. Let us not forget the time Former President Barack Obama cupped his First Lady’s rear end *swoon*

The thing women are forgetting is we have to stimulate his MIND and his body. Sure you can be a gymnast in the bed, and even be the best he ever had, but if that is all you have the relationship will never make it out of the bedroom. How will he brag to his friends if his only memories with you are in the bedroom? Those stories will eventually get old. If he serious about you he will not want to talk about your bedroom behavior instead he will want to talk about your business venture, the time you graduated from college, your new promotion at work, or how loving you are with the children. He will want to talk about a woman who is bringing more to the table than her plate.

 As cliché, as it sounds a man, wants a LADY in the streets and a FREAK in the sheets. Don’t believe me? Go ahead and ask any man. It can be a lot but you are trying to get to those relationship goals right? So here are four positions that are sure to drive him wild in and out of the bedroom.

Ride him, cowgirl. This will allow you to take control while giving him a full view of you and allow his hands to roam free. Men love when the woman takes control so give him what he wants!

Doggie Style. In this position, he is able to go deeper, and move at his own pace. So for the times when he needs to dominate and feel like a king, this is a perfect position.

Standing tall. A woman who is confident, about her business, and takes care of her business is a turn on. If you are truly standing tall you will have no problem stimulating his mind, and showing him things he has never seen before. Remember confidence is the best thing a woman can wear.

On your knees. Instantly you thought about an oral transaction, and those are good too but there is nothing like a praying woman. A lady who knows where her strength comes from will be able to be her man’s backbone when he needs it. Whatever your faith is you have to have a source. God, Universe, Buddha whomever you have to get your strength from somewhere, and faith comes from prayer.

Use these positions and watch him fall in love with you all over again. He will notice the changes and suddenly you are the giggling girl with your man looking lovingly at you. Thank me later ladies, and happy love day.

Which position will you be trying tonight?

 

Change your perception and change your life... PLUS 36 things to do during football season

perception

No matter how hard I tried to avoid this, it seems I was destined to enjoy football. My brother who is eight years older than me FORCED me to watch the movie The Program (starring Omar Epps, and Halle Berry EVERY SINGLE DAY for a year). Then when he was in high school, and college I was forced to attend his games weekly, under the guise of support, although I did enjoy the cheerleaders.

Then I found myself knocked up at age 19 and alone. It was sad, but that is not the point. The point is I spent a large amount of time with my father. I will give you a minute to google “daddy’s girl” and find my picture. I kid, no really. Anyway spending all this time with my father meant watching football.  He is a football FANATIC!!! He watches the draft like I watch How to Get Away with Murder. I mean he knows stats, where people went to college, and in some cases he knows a little about their upbringing. So instead of being even more miserable watching a sport I did not necessarily like or understand, I started asking questions. I begin to learn what the hand signals meant, and why they had so many chances to make a touch down. I started learning player’s name and my love of football and the Steeler Nation began.

Fast forward to the present and depending on who is playing I am happier than my husband to hear “I been waiting all day for Sunday night.” I know everyone will not share my sentiment. Some women refuse to even give the game a try. I don’t understand that because the eye candy is great, oh and part of being in a relationship is taking interest in his interest but I digress. Here we are half way almost done with preseason with 17 more weeks of regular season, playoffs, and then Super Bowl and women are saying good bye to their husbands and they are sad about it.

They need to be jumping for joy. How could they not realize all the free time they have in store during this football season. A lot of life’s issues are all about mindset. We trick ourselves into thinking we are not good enough so we never go after our dreams. We are mad when we don’t get a promotion, but the person who got the promotion is miserable and wants to quit. We struggle with seeing the blessings that surround us.

We look at rejection as a bad thing, when it is really protection. When you are stuck in traffic you are not in the fatal accident ahead. When the guy breaks your heart, you are that much closer to your prince charming. When the car lot tells you no, then the car is recalled, or you lose your job and would not have been able to pay for it anyway. The rejection was really protection. We have to start training our minds to see the good even when the situation seems extra bleak. There is a lesson in everything IF you have the right mindset.

So stop dreading football season and embrace it. I personally recommend attempting to like the game because it really is fun. Still, if hubby is like most men and cannot function when the game is on, you are going to have to occupy your time. In case you need some help with what to do with your time I have created a bucket list for you. A list of 36 things for you to do during football season.

So do you watch the game, or are you totally against it?

3 Ways to Feel Sexy No Matter What

3 Ways to Feel Sexy No Matter What

When it is time to “get sexy” most people think of the normal lingerie and heels. I think sexy starts with a mindset. You can be a size 0 and if you are not happy with this no pair of heels or thong will make this better. On the flip side you can be a 20 and if you are confident you can rock a teddy with some heels with no worries.Write here...

The Making Love Toolkit and a Free Download!

Do you remember when you could set the scene with your man and make love all day or at least for hours undisturbed if you wanted to? Those were the good ole days. Then you two wanted to see your love come to life and you had children. I know you love them but did I bet you had no idea what a major blow your sex life would take. I believe they have a secret sense that tells them when mommy and daddy want to be alone and it energizes them so they are able to stay awake way past bed time. Maybe it is just my children, but if I so much as sit next to the MR. on the couch they get excited and immediately want to sit with us. For real my kids are the biggest haters alive, but again we love them dearly.

There have been nights I had some things planned for my husband and I but my son, whom I love dearly, REFUSED to go to sleep. The one thing different this night was I had mentally planned some adult time. If you have children, you know the routine by the time we wrestled with him and repeated the bed time routine over and over again we were too tired to do anything more than sleep. Then there was the time I bought strawberries and chocolate sauce and came home to my 11 year old having a nice snack. It was like we couldn’t catch a break.

If you know me you know I believe in the art of the quickie. Sometimes you just need to knock the edge off. Quickies are much needed especially for the busy couple with children. Sometimes you need that rush before the babies come banging the door down. I even did a Periscope about it once a while back. Still, if I am being honest with myself I LOVE the long drawn out romance of slow no rush no kids love making session.

Since it is love month I thought I would help you get some ideas together. We are going to make a love making kit! Now, before we get started there is some pre work that MUST be done. You have to find a baby sitter. I would advise getting an overnight sitter. You don’t want to rush the magic because you have to get your kids at a certain time. If you have to pay someone do it, it will be money well spent.

Also let me give you a slight disclaimer. I am a firm believer you don’t have to wait for a holiday to dial up the romance. While this post is inspired by Valentine’s Day you can use this info on any day.  

Ok on to the supplies, oh and don’t worry about printing this post I have a made cool download for you at the end.

Sight

You want to create a visually pleasing environment. Make sure the house is clean. You do not want to trip on blocks and Tonka toys trying to handle business. Start with candles; I know all about being on a budget but candles really are a dollar. Use that couch and car change and get you some candles. Something about the flicker of the flame creates a nice scene. Your attire is next. No matter what size every woman has that one thing that makes them feel like a million bucks put that on. Then get you something equally as nice for underneath. If you are shy or conservative go with black. Feeling adventurous wear his favorite colors. It will automatically excite him. If there is food or drinks (which I highly recommend) involved make sure you set the scene nicely. Arrange things so they are easy to get to and appeasing to the eye. Go ahead and use your nice wine glasses (these can also be bought for one dollar at the dollar tree), pull out that fancy ice bucket someone gave you and you never thought you would use it. Think about this way, when you see a red solo cup what is your mood? I instantly think party time, like good ole college time party. Now think wine glass, what do you think now? Visuals are very important when setting the mood. Remember we are going the extra mile tonight because the kids are gone.

Hearing

The music lets him know it is real.  I believe on the movie Brown Sugar they called it the get the draws mix tape lol. Whatever you call you do not play like you don’t have one.  We all have that CD somewhere. Find it or make a new one and get the tunes going. The right song will get the mood going quicker. Let me insert here if you make a new tape include your power song. The song that makes you want to make love. When you hear it you instantly start doing a sexy body roll. I have a few and they are spaced out on my playlist. A couple of them are Dance for you- Beyonce, and Best Part of My Day- Urban Mystic, oh and Music for Love- Mario. Side note my frat brother, the infamous DJ Bell makes a nice list he calls "No Strings Attached". You can get his latest installment here. Disclaimer, music can bring on strong emotions. Do not play a song that makes you or him think of someone else, or a hard time in your life, it can kill the mood.

Taste

They say food can be a major aphrodisiac and I agree. I am not talking steak and potatoes I mean strawberries, fruits, icing, sauces. No not hot sauce. More like chocolate or caramel sauce. Wine, champagne whatever you like. I like red wine. I really enjoy Henny on ice if I am being honest. There is no right and wrong. It is all about you and him. If you like beer use that too. For non-drinkers use water or juice. It is all about you and your mate and enjoying time together. Just remember to use the wine glasses even if it is water. This is all about the main event, so whatever food and drinks are present are all intended to get ready for the main event.

Touch

I love when my husband touches me. Except sometime he randomly touches my face and it catches me off guard, well that is a different topic. I also know he loves when my body is hairless. So if that is what your man likes as well get to shaving or using Nair or whatever you do to get the body hair off. I like to double lotion especially after I shave, because my skin is dry and when he does rub my body I want to be ultra smooth. Double lotion, I use regular lotion and then baby oil gel. My skin, again is super dry so the extra lotion is needed. Depending on your budget go ahead and get a mani pedi it will only boost your confidence, and when you feel confident it shows in the bedroom.  If funds are an issue do it yourself. Scrub those heels so they are not scratching him. Also depending on what you are into get some oils for a nice massage.

Smell

I personally like lavender. It has a calming sense about it. You want to make sure the aroma in your home is inviting. You could also kill two birds with getting scented candles but don’t go too cheap here or the candles may stink. Also this is where things have potential to get tricky. Remember on the episode of Living Single when Sinclair and Overton were finally going to have sex and everything went all wrong? Well if you did not see it the point is she got new perfume and he was allergic and she had to wash her neck. Her neck was wet the mood was off and well you don’t want to be like this. So do not have a house scent that clashes with your body scent. Or just get unscented candles and use the perfume he loves on you.

Now I have helped you set the mood and you have stimulated all 5 senses. The rest is on you. Need a little extra help? I suggest reading a Zane book, knocking back a shot of your favorite spirit and going for it. Hey you are married so whatever you two do it is all good. Remember this is only a guide do what you two like. You know your person better than I do. This is meant to get your creative ideas flowing, and help you and your spouse have a great night, or several great nights.

As promised you can sign up to get your checklist here. Enjoy!