Talk to Toya- If Loving you is Wrong

If loving you is wrong

Hey Toya, I'm a 47-year-old single woman, never married with 1 child and I've been seeing a 55-year-old man with 1 child in college.  I'll start with the back story.  22 years ago we were basically friends with benefits.  Looking back in retrospect, I realize he was doing things to show me how he felt about me, but we never actually discussed where we were going with our friendship/relationship.  I was 25 then and he was 33.  I was a little wild and just blew with the wind when it came to guys.  

During a period in which we weren't seeing each other, he had a baby with another woman.  Deep down it hurt me and I became cold with him and moved on.  Fast forward a few years ago we reconnected.  Both still single.  We've been on many lunch dates, weekend dates, and sleepovers and I started falling for him again.  He has expressed to me that he really likes me. He's an all around great guy, but we both have walls up.  Making time for each other is difficult because he cares for his mother and my child is school age.  We both work and have very good careers.  We both are homeowners and just generally stay busy with our responsibilities so it can be difficult for us to make time for each other.  

He went through a difficult divorce prior to me meeting him 22 years ago and I think that is what has his wall up.  Me, I've just been duped so may times until I hold back, but he seems hesitant about defining what we are doing.  He mentioned to me on a date once that I don't talk.  I asked him to explain, but he didn't elaborate.  So here's where I'm going with this question.  You would think it would be fate that we reconnected the way we did, but it seems like we are back in the same place, not really knowing what we are trying to do.  I recently thought about putting more effort into showing him how I feel about him.  Should I or do you think it would be a waste of time?  Is it fate or is it just the same old thing again?  Is it time for me to let my walls down and believe this can work?  Thank you for your time!


Hey hun,

Thank you so much for writing in. Wow… There are so many layers to this. I have so many questions and only you have all the answers so before I give my two cents think about this. What is stopping you from going all in? You mentioned being duped, and him having a messy divorce, but when it is real you know it and nothing can stop you from going for it. You cannot allow your past to keep you from what might be a great present and future.  Unless there is something you are not saying and you have a really good reason for not going all in.

You asked is it the same old thing, well is it? Are you two just meeting for the benefits or are you two sharing something real, building a future, connecting outside of the bedroom, actually dating? Typically, when two busy people make time to have what you describe as, "many lunch dates, weekend dates, and sleepovers", I would think they are into one another. The goal of doing these things is to fall, and stay in love right?

My advice… talk to him. Communication is key. Ask him what he wants and where he sees it going, and really listen to what he says. I am a firm believer in silence being an answer, so if he is not able to answer you that is your answer. If he has not thought about what he wants with you, or any future plans with you that is your answer. Trust your instinct, you are there with him. How does it feel? What does your brain say?  You said he told you that you don’t talk. Why is that? What are you afraid of? What are you holding back and why? Is he hesitant about defining what the two of you are doing because you have a wall up? Like I said I have so many questions lol. 

Hope this helps and gives you something to think about. If you want to talk more about this shoot me an email. 

talktotoya

Talk to Toya- Advice for satrting out in business.

talktotoya

Hey Toya, what advice would you give a mom/ wifeprenuer just starting out?


Wow so many things, but to keep it short I would tell her to get her spouse on board and be prepared to sleep less. Her spouse has to support her or it will cause friction in the marriage. Starting a business is tough she will need that support at home especially before she finds her business buddies to support her.  From my own experience, it has been nothing short of amazing to have my husband really support me. I have seen him pick up my slack and never complain. I have felt that I was neglecting him to get this biz off the ground and he never mumbled a word. He did appreciate me noticing and we made some adjustments. Sleep, well depending on her family structure and if she works outside of the home she will more than likely start her business during the night when her family is asleep.

Need more in depth advice lets chat.... schedule a consult, or let's do coffee.

talktotoya

Talk To Toya- How to Deal with Depression

Talk to Toya 1

Toya, I wanted to as you how do you handle depression.


Wow, such a loaded question. Let me first explain that this is a BRIEF overview.  Despite my credentials, this post is in no way meant to replace seeking professional help if you need it. This post simply cannot be as extensive as the answer could, and for some should be. If you need more GET MORE, schedule a consult read a book, hire a professional in your area....

Depression defined is feelings of severe despondency and dejection. Now let me be clear it is much more than feeling sad. Depression interferes with your daily functioning and how you fulfill your major life roles. It affects how you see the world, and how and if you interact with others. There are criteria that have to be met before it is determined if you are clinically depressed or not. 

Let me say this and please understand it: DEPRESSION LOOKS DIFFERENT IN EVERYONE. Depression also happens on a spectrum meaning some people will be severely depressed and may have suicide attempts or frequent visits to the mental health hospital, and others may not. Some people overeat, while others stop eating altogether. Some people stay up all night while others sleep away the day and night.

Because depression looks differently in everyone how you manage it will be different as well. Here are some general things that will help.  First, acknowledge that the depression is there. You cannot begin to work on what you don’t see as a problem. Another basic thing is to get some exercise. I know I know that’s not what you were looking for but exercise has so much value when it comes to healing our mental health. Watching what you eat is another way to help your depression. The foods that we eat are toxic, and you can do your own research on that but as I start to eat better I know I personally feel better. Limit your alcohol. Sure I like adult beverages as much as the next person but as alcohol is a depressant it does nothing to help boost your mood even though in the moment you may feel differently. Also stop isolating yourself. Get out and get around people even though you just want to lay in bed.

Now to be more specific you need to think about what you are sad about. Try to identify when the sadness became or lack or motivation became too much to bear. If you can identify when it started that may be a starting place for you to began your work Also think about what you may see as lacking in your life. Do you lack self-esteem, feel as if you not far enough along in life.

Depending on how you answer this question will determine your next steps. Let’s say you are having issues with self-esteem and this is leading to depression then you would work to improve your self-esteem (affirmations, being productive, work on your goals and actually make progress, doing more of what makes you feel good). 

Some people will tell you they are sad and they don’t know why. For this type of depression, I suggest getting some coping skills. Coping skills simply put are you put into place to improve our mood. Do things that make you happy. Get a hobby, read a book, write in a journal, use those coloring sheets for adults. I tell my clients all the time try it all (as long as it is not hurting you or others). You have to spend more time doing what makes you happy. If you don't know what makes you happy this is the perfect time to figure it out. Try some things and see what you like.

There is so much more I can say on depression but this is getting long. Other things to consider is hiring a therapist or even a coach to help you process your automatic thoughts, and really get into your thoughts and perceptions about life.