What is the number one rule in having a healthy disagreement with your partner? In the words of one of my favorite movie characters "You have to fight fair you know that."- Dr. Patricia Agnew from Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married. She so eloquently summed up how to disagree and move on when it comes to your relationship. We have got to stop hitting below the belt just because our emotions are high.
Communication is the building blocks of real intimacy. Don't believe me? Consider this, there is something that you do to your husband that he loves (mine likes when I.... - yea its none of your business lol, feel in your own blank). How do I know he loves it? He told me. Now that I am clear on what he likes I am able to be intentional about doing it. If he never told me then we would not be able to share such special moments. That is why communication is so important.
Think about it this way most of the conflict/disagreements, or whatever cute word you want to use to describe the emotion filled conversations you and bae have are over a lack of communication. You are not mad because he left the toilet seat up. You are mad because of the perceived lack of care for your booty. Real communication is an art. A complex piece of work that has several different layers. It is more than the words we say and needs to be practiced often. There are so many rules to help us communicate better, but in the heat of the moment, we forget.
I will admit I have struggled with communication... a lot. I could blame my parents and their poor communication styles, but the truth is I know better so I should do better. I have studied communication as a part of my career and yet when it came to me and bae I was struggling. I couldn't hear what he was saying because I was too ready to respond. I failed to express my concerns because I was ready to attack. I was a hot mess. What does all that have to do with you? I put together my favorite four tips to fighting fair so you don't have to be as hot a mess as I was.... thank me later.
1. Tell the whole story. Too many times when we are communicating we run off a list of wrong doings and never tell it all. We are not really mad because he made the wrong turn at the light, we are mad because he didn't believe us when we told him to turn the other way. Him not believing us translated to us that he didn't value our knowledge. It is ok that he has been working long hours what is not ok is that we feel neglected and like he has no idea what's going on at home. The point is to make sure you are sharing with him the emotion behind the anger.
2. Avoid loaded words! You know what I mean, those words that under any other circumstance would be fine but since you two are having a disagreement it is judgemental and disrespectful. Oh, you don't know? Let me give you an example.... "Go call your little friend and tell them to..." Now on any other occasion, the word little would be fine. However, in this situation, it is dripping with disrespect.
3. Stop bringing up old stuff!!! Part of good communication is sticking to the issue at hand. Not bringing up old stuff to make your side of the disagreement seem more valid. Why does it matter what happened two years ago? Did you leave him? Have you had fun with him since? Would you want him bringing up something you did two years ago? Ok then move on. Keeping track of perceived wrongdoings does not allow room for growth. As a couple, you two should always be growing together.
4. Close your mouth and listen. So maybe that was two things but you get my point. I know ladies, this is not our favorite. We have got to start listening to what is said instead of listening only to reply. Also, everything you think doesn't have to be said. Sometimes it is ok to allow him to have the last word. This was really hard for me. I was the type to just keep arguing even though I knew he was probably right because I was too far in lol. Crazy I know, the growth is so real.
So here is the deal, you are going to have disagreements in your relationship. I personally think if two people agree 100% of the time someone is not being real. That being said the disagreements do not have turn into arguments, and huge blow-outs if you follow the rules. Want more informton about communication? Join my FREE email course. How do you fight fair?