Effective Communication- Do you Want to be Right or do You Want a Resolution

An expectation without communication is just an assumption. ~LaToya The Therapist

Who are you modeling when you communicate? Your mother? Father? Favorite adult? Perhaps it’s a TV or movie character. Or maybe you decided to model the person you made up in your mind; the person you needed when you were younger.

Most of my clients do not realize how much past trauma shows up in how they communicate. Part of how we communicate is directly connected to how we perceive a situation. How we perceive a situation will then inform how we feel about it and that will determine how we respond. That response, depending on learned or interpreted behavior, can lead to disastrous and unhealthy forms of communication if gone unchecked. 

We engage in communication in several aspects of life. In my personal and professional experience we struggle the most in our romantic relationships.  How we speak to our partner is a large part of communicating, but so is how we interact, show affection or engage in discourse. The thing most people fail to address is how we communicate when we are in conflict. Giving your partner the silent treatment or withholding affection or sex, is also communication. It’s unhealthy communication, but communication nonetheless.

What I see the most is confusing the need to be right with finding a resolution. In your mind, proving you are right, is the solution! When in reality the solution is more than likely compromise and changed behavior. Your partner does not have to agree in order to find resolution. Your partner simply needs to be open to hear your point of view, offer a response and an apology if warranted.  Not all disagreements are able to be resolved in one sitting. Sometimes it is an ongoing issue that takes time to unpack, and discuss at great lengths. Everyone’s processing speed is different and some conversations are so important you do not want them to be rushed. Again, past trauma is likely rearing it’s head if the conversation is super triggering.

Maybe you’re a fixer and your instinct is to immediately discuss the issue at great length, and not finding a resolution is out of the question. Your partner however, grew up in a contentious household and absolutely despises confrontation. How do you create a healthy and equal environment where both parties are able to engage at their comfort level? Perhaps the compromise is the person who has to fix the problem immediately can discuss what immediately looks like. If immediately is still within the hour after everyone has had a chance to calm down, would that work? Then the fixer can fix and the other partner still has time to step away. It will look different in every relationship but it is not impossible.

Engaging in discourse with the mindset that someone has to be wrong, misses the point of the argument. What is closer to the truth is that no one is wrong per say there is just a different perspective and different emotions from the two of you. 

What can be really frustrating is when our actions do not line up with our words which often exacerbates the miscommunication. If your attitude, gestures, lack of verbal responses are different than your normal, telling your partner nothing is wrong is insulting. They have eyes, arguably they know you and can sense something is off. You are allowed to not want to discuss it. Let them know you are not ready and say I just need some time. This keeps them from badgering you and invading your space, but also allows them to not start to create a narrative that may be false. Respecting a person’s desire to not discuss an issue while tempers are raised is also a form of effective communication. This by no means is an excuse to avoid conflict, it is just being responsible and taking time to respond maturely and with love. 

Ultimately, if a person was bothered by a behavior, is it more important that the person make an effort to course correct, or must they agree that how you are feeling is valid? I raise that issue because our feelings are a primary cause for miscommunication. Feelings are very much real, but they are not facts. Trying to keep those two concepts at the forefront of an argument is difficult, but necessary if your desire is for your communication with your partner to be effective.

How do you communicate with your partner?

Is Couples Therapy Good or Bad

I’ll follow you to the ends of the Earth; as long as it doesn’t lead to therapy. ~folks who won’t read this, but should

Is couples therapy a good idea? As a therapist I will always say yes lol.  The politically correct answer is that therapy is a personal choice and every situation is different. The short answer is, yes. 

I absolutely understand the hesitance when it comes to the idea of therapy. There are so many preconceived notions, mostly surrounding the stigma of mental health, that prevents people (especially couples), from seeking the help they desperately need. Also therapy is really getting emotionally naked in front of a complete stranger. I get it. It is a lot to manage.

The fact of the matter is you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to benefit from therapy. We are all engaging in different types of relationships that are not romantic, but may also be strained.  So many of us are in toxic work environments, difficult family dynamics and complicated friendships. 

We seek advice from anyone who we believe can give us a lifeline; that little bit of advice to help us get through the holidays with our in-laws or dinner with our best friend’s annoying spouse, but when it comes to navigating our own romantic relationships, seeking therapy is a non-starter.

Couples usually find themselves in my office when the relationship is all but over. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have been thinking if they had come sooner we could have saved this. Usually though, one or both parties feel like they are out of options and come to me as a last resort. By the time they reach me, they are already drowning in years of pain, often being sucked in by a lifetime of unchecked trauma. Most couples don’t realize that couples counseling can be part of ensuring that the relationship remains successful. It doesn’t have to be, nor should it be the last stop on the road to divorce. In my opinion, it should be the first stop once a couple has decided to make their union (whatever that looks like) official.   

Therapy is a place for self-discovery and along that journey, you will pick up tools that are necessary to better navigate the journey you are on. What happens when your partner  requires a different set of tools that you don’t have…yet. Do you search for the tool or do you decide that you are content with what you have and find someone who doesn’t require so many tools? Perhaps you both have the same set and are calling them by different names not realizing you already have everything you need to build and maintain a successful relationship.

As you build the life you want, your requirements and expectations will change. Change is almost always acceptable in any other part of our life other than relationship requirements. We change our employment positions. We may stay with the same company, but we expect upward mobility with a pay raise at the very least. We upgrade our vehicles, homes, and clothes yet somehow, changing relationship dynamics and requirements are seen as an affront and in extreme cases a deal breaker.

Couples therapy is a way to navigate through the inevitable changes that people experience while engaging in relationship. The fact is people will grow. The misconception is that they will grow together. When the reality is without intentionality they often grow apart. Couples therapy can help to identify the places where couples are growing apart and offer tools to course correct. Therapy can really be preventative if we just allow it to be.

If you decide to give couples therapy a try, keep in mind it isn’t a one size fits all. You may need to shop around to find the right fit for both parties. 

Remember, you are the expert in your own life. I wish you well on your journey.

Tasha finally got it right: Seek help when you need it!

I was watching Power today (like the rest of the world) and was so touched by Tasha. While I don’t always agree with her she was my favorite this episode. I love how she acknowledged needing help. So many times, we (especially black women) are supposed to just shoulder shit and keep moving forward. To see Tasha be so open about needing help was EVERYTHING!!! She stated multiple times she was not ok and needed to talk. I was like yes way to be self-aware. What made her my favorite this episode is that not only did she recognize the need, but she did something about it without having to be referred or begged to seek help. She had a game plan to help with her healing and I love her for it. We must be proactive in all aspects of our lives. So, bravo Tasha.

What was also so realistic and heartbreaking to me was the person who should have been her number one cheerleader in getting help because they understood what she was dealing with was shutting her down at every turn. I have been there on multiple occasions. Once when I was 19 with a newborn and had no idea what postpartum was and kept being told I had to get over it because I had done this to myself. Another time was saying I wanted to be a therapist and being told by family my career choice was a joke. But let me get back to Power... James originally did not want to even consider the grief group. He said he wasn’t feeling it. I found myself feeling like I was back at work with my forensic clients asking them what’s not to feel? A safe place to say you are hurt (which clearly, he needed). Unfortunately, the way James was acting is nothing new. Saying “I’m not feeling that” or some other derivative is too common.

What also had me side eyeing James was the fact that he didn’t trust her to grieve and describe her feelings because they are different from the people in the group. Sure, the other people in the group probably were not drug dealing murders, who had an affair with the DA and missed what was happening to their son which lead to all this anyway, but a grieving parent is a grieving parent. After all the secrets (setting up Canaan, providing an alibi for killing Lobos, and whatever else) and shenanigans she has dealt with and handled like the proverbial “ride or die chick” why question her now? Why not give her what she needed? Like she said, she can discuss her feelings without discussing the other stuff.

While I baby clap him for being willing to go he was there again blocking Tasha from getting what she truly needed. Simply showing up to the group is not enough for some people. They need to be able to interact and share their feelings (the point of the group anyway). She felt led to share and he shut her down so smoothly. As he has done in their marriage multiple times (but that’s not even why I’m here). Him stopping her from sharing struck me on several layers and I will try to unpack a few…

On the surface you have a husband shutting down a wife who has said she needs help. When people reach out for help or admit to feeling vulnerable, not right, sad, or whatever listen to them. Shutting them down only ensures the next time they will not be sharing their feelings with you. Telling people to get over it, toughen up, or put their big girl panties on is not always the answer. In fact, if a person is actually feeling something I can almost guarantee it makes their stomach turn to hear their loved one say some insensitive shit like that, and they will think twice before opening up again. Why are we so quick to shut down a person who is expressing vulnerability?

On another layer, we have someone telling another person not to do the very thing they think will help them. Tasha felt lead to the group and simply on the strength that she thought it would help her it would have in some way. We have got to stop shutting people down from getting help their way. Which lead me to religion. The minute someone wants to cleanse their energy someone calls it witchcraft. The negative connotation associated with magic, ancient healing rituals, and being a witch is also not why I am here but needs to be mentioned. The second someone says Allah instead of God they become a terrorist. Everything doesn’t work for everyone. The reason some medicines work for some people and are like skittles to another person, the way some children need timeouts and others need a spanking (yes I said it) or removal of toys, its simple… WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. It is perfectly ok to believe, practice, and grieve differently. We must allow people to choose their own path and then respect when their choice does not match our own.

While Tasha has a few more episodes left to deal with her demons, and her choices, you reading this do not have to wait. I wish I could say do this and the pain will go away, but it is not that simple. You must put the work in and be willing to expose yourself. Being self-aware is not for the faint of heart. When you really trying to change and really trying to heal, it has been my experience personally and professionally that it will hurt worse first. It’s like when you really cleaning up and organizing so you pull stuff out of hiding and it looks a hot mess before it looks clean. Be brave like Tasha and admit you need help, but also seek help. It’s not going to be easy the question is are you willing to stick it through?

It really is ok to Level Up!

So a comment was made by a celebrity (Ciara this week), and folks are all up in arms. I am not 100% sure what the fuss is about. From what I have read she simply expressed her truth. She noted after she leveled up, started to look to God more, and really love herself the right man came along. This is her experience and who are we to take that from her. Before you all start the eye-rolling keep reading... I think the issue is because she said  “level up” and get the love you deserve. People seem to be super in their feelings because of the words level up. Even one of my friends said she took the comment as if you are single you have no standards. So it got me thinking…

Why are we so consumed with every thought a celebrity has? Sure they are in the light and people look to them and they decided to be in the spotlight but we are all responsible for our own actions. Just because she believes in leveling up you don’t have to.They are human just like the rest of us, and if your homegirl disagreed with you would you drag her like some do celebrities? Just my thoughts…

Let’s talk about leveling up. If I am correct it means to get your shit together in all areas of your life. This will look different for everyone. Some will lose weight, start their business, get a deeper relationship with God, carry crystals with you, start reading more books, whatever it is we all can agree it is an improvement on your life. So don’t you want to level up? Or is complacency the new in thing? When we apply for jobs we never say ok I'm entry level and I am good with this for life. I have arrived. No, we get in to learn the ropes and start looking for a raise, promotion, or the next job.

I read some comments saying she is using her marriage as a tool or weapon and I was again confused. #Howsway All she was saying, or how I interpreted it was once you focus on you, and get clear about what you want you can attract it. After you get so into you and realize what it is you actually want you will be able to waste less time with men who mean you no good. I know for me I wasted time and dated losers because I was dating to be dating at one time in my life. I didn’t really know what I wanted so I ended up not getting much of anything if you catch my drift. We can all agree like attracts like so why not improve yourself. The new and improved you will undoubtedly attract more than a man. You will get the bougie girlfriends you wished you had, the promotion you have been dreaming about, or even attract the client to your business because you have now become an improved version of our self. What is wrong with that?

Let me tell you a story… When I met my husband I was a single mom of one, working as a therapist (my previous dream job). I lived on my own and was doing my thing. Admittedly I was more together on paper than I was internally but I was actively working on it. So I guess at the time I met him I was like mid glow up lol (although I am sure that was not the term those years ago). The point is I was in a good place, and working daily to be better. THAT IS WHAT ATTRACTED THE MAN TO ME. For us, regular degular folks life ain't always peaches and cream. So what married minded man wants to marry a girl he has t fix up or who is bringing nothing to the table, not even a plate? Because if the shoe was on the other foot while women are more likely to go for the fixer-upper we are not setting out looking for him. We want a man with his ish together. We want the security that comes with a stable man.

I got off topic...Prior to my self-proclaimed glow up I was attracting broken men, with no jobs, mommy issues, emotional abusers, egos bigger than the Beyonce song, and all other foolery. I was attracting them because I was broken. I was vibrating so low that is what I picked up.  Did I need to level up? Hell yes! Is that the sole reason I got married? Nope, but it damn sure helped. I was happy and whole when I got married. I was not looking for anyone to love me because I loved and still love me. In fact, I was happy to just be me with my child. I had spent so much time dating idiots I decided to date me, and the moment I became ok with me things changed. I walked away from my job (I went back, but with a raise lol making just under what a LCSW makes without a license and in case you are not a counselor and not familiar with non-profits that's a big damn deal!). Nope, life has not been perfect but it has steadily been getting better. I have setbacks but I come out ahead because I glowed up.

So no this is not me using my life as a weapon or shaming tool. This is me telling you if I can do it, the girl who was pregnant at 19 by the way ole boy the sperm donor straight walked away you can too!!!!! I have been through so much and we all have a story to tell but unless you level up in some way your story is going to stay the same and we both know you don’t want that. Leveling up is not all about a man because some of my smartest most successful girlfriends don’t even see marriage as an accomplishment. However to live a life you love whether working a 9-5, being a housewife, having a side hustle, walking the red carpet, whatever it is will require you to level up. How will you level up today?

3 Reasons why Comparing makes you Lose!

The fastest way to make yourself miserable is to look at what other's are doing. Their life will always look better than yours if you are looking at the phone and they are living their life. We live in a world where people’s lives are literally at our fingertips. Don’t think so? Scroll through anyone’s Facebook Feed. You will know when they met their boo, how and when he proposed when they got married, pregnant, and every fight in between. Of course, there is always an exception I have a friend who waited a year before she “debuted” her daughter on Facebook.

With so much exposure we have a front row seat to anyone's life we want.  We see the bags, trips, cars, and if we are real enough to admit it we want it for ourselves. There is nothing wrong with wanting more the issue starts when you compare and covet what others have. If we are not careful we can start to want their relationship too. We see what their partner is doing for them, what they bought, how they said they were beautiful even though they gained weight then silently and slowly we begin to think their version of the love is the only version.

We get mad at what we have at home believing our love life is supposed to be like what we see on the gram. The sad thing is we never consider any differences. We don't stop to look at how long they have been together, is he taking her on vacation because he got caught with his side chick, the difference in bank accounts, or anything else.

We stop remembering all the things that make our relationship special because we are too busy looking at others. In the past, I shared with a friend that I did not want a man I had to cook Thanksgiving meals every single day so being true to me I got a man who did not require that. On the flip side, one of my friends cooks daily and from scratch. If I were to base my relationship on hers I would be failing as a wife, and my husband would be miserable. Every relationship is different and we have to learn to appreciate what makes our relationship special. When you constantly compare your relationship to others you lose in major ways.

You get stuck so you don’t produce. You are so busy worrying what others are doing and how they are posting on Instagram you are unable to focus on your own relationship. You cannot be a good wife if you are trying to force your man to fit a mold that some other woman made. It doesn’t matter if someone else’s husband has them all over there social media, your husband may not be into that. So by demanding he subscribes to someone else’s standards you will mess up what is working for you and cause unnecessary arguments. If he has never paraded you on his social media why are you asking him to start now? The woman who is on her husband’s social media may be missing something in her relationship that your husband does on a regular.

You are coveting an ending when you have no idea what it took to get there and if you could even handle it. Sure it is all fun and games watching them take trips but what if he choked her right before they took the picture? Everyone is happy on pictures because we smile for the camera not frown for the camera.  What if the couple you are calling your relationship goals have dealt with an affair in their marriage? Do you want that too? So much could be going on behind the scenes that there is really nothing for you to be jealous of. You may want what they have now but could you have survived what they went through to get there? If you are not willing to struggle don’t envy the success.

Finally, you never know the time frame for success. There are no overnight successes. You have to put in the WERK!!!! Think about anyone who you want to be like, pick a blogger (Regina from Byregina has had how many business and blogs), singer (K. Michelle has had how many record deals, and she suffered abuse), actress (Halle Berry is gorgeous and she has had bad luck in love), your friend who got married before you (how many bad relationships did she have). Nothing happens overnight. You can’t start a committed relationship on Monday and expect it to look like your friend’s relationship when she has been married 3 years. Comparing your start to someone else’s middle will have you upset every time.

The more accesses we have to others the more important it becomes to be happy with what you have. This in no way means be complacent we should all be striving for more, however comparing and being jealous is not the way. Always remember social media is a highlight reel. It is supposed to the show the person in the best light. No one is posting their messy house or their arguments. Just because you do not see it doesn’t mean it is not there. Remember to be grateful for what you have and water your own grass to make it better.