You know what I think is so funny? Someone once said to me everyone but married people are having sex. I must admit I did LOL. I remember thinking wait, why is that? You are living with a man/woman and not having sex how is this even possible. Society tells us men and women cannot be platonic friends so how are married people not having sex?
My then unmarried brain could not understand how this was happening. You get married and have lots of sex right? I also remember thinking I will never be that wife, you know the one who is not giving it up to her husband consistently (remember we should never judge others until we are in their situation). In my mind you have a live in sex partner. Why not do it as much as possible. Well, life.
No one tells you how much things change when you stop dating and you start being married. All the sexy stuff was that was happening when you were dating slows down when you are married. I will give you one realistic explanation as to why. Dates are just that, dates. They are planned activities so the two of you can spend some time. With marriage you are always there together and can easily fall into a pattern and routine of chores, bills, to do lists, and it can get un-cute real quick IF YOU LET IT.
Why does the sexy leave? Because we get comfortable and we stop trying. Think about it the first time you two spent the night together you probably didn’t even tie your hair up because, let us be real the scarf, doo-rag and the bonnet is not really sexy. So when dating you were able to plan for your hair to be messed up or just know you would have to sleep pretty depending on your hair. When you are married you are wrapping that hair every night lol. Sidenote it kills me some men are against your hair being tied at night, but then want it Beyonce flawless in the morning… jerks. I’m super blessed my husband doesn’t mind.
Now back to the point, sex or lack thereof for married people. Keeping it all the way real we get bogged down in the day to day. We become robots checking things off our never ending to do list. So put sex on the list, which is a great idea and some of my clients have had luck with this but others of them not so much. We get tired but the kids never do. We get overwhelmed and exhausted and sex becomes the thing on the list we neglect, especially when we are waiting until the kids go to bed (which in my house they never do, especially when they know mom and dad want some alone time.)
I could go on and on with reasons why it is not happening but here are a few reasons it should happen:
It makes for a smoother day. I don’t know about you all but when my husband has done his thing the night before nothing can bring me down from the high I am on. It doesn’t matter if my 11-year-old cannot find her shoe even when I asked her to find it the night before, or if I have to chase the 1-year-old to get him dressed. In my mind it is all good.
Sex makes your husband happy. Being a wife is all about pleasing and helping him so you gotta give it up. I know that sounds super 1950’s but it is true, and the divorce rate was lower back then so maybe those wives were onto something. Besides if you put it on him all the options, better known as side chicks, do not stand a chance! His appetite will have been satisfied at home.
Sex burns calories! Every woman no matter her size, eating or exercising patterns, is in some way concerned about calories. This is a free calorie burner. Along with burning pesky calories sex is also a great stress reliever. Sometimes you just need to knock the edge off, and if you do not drink alcoholic beverages sex will do the trick. Think about it, sex has so many benefits (aside from the obvious) there really is no reason to not have sex.
Now the challenge…One day while during my commute to work I thought what if we did it every day for 30 days. I remember listening to a marriage podcast by ONE extraordinary marriage and they spoke of a 60 day challenge. They detailed their troubles and their success and I thought I want to try that. I have a 16 month old that never sleeps, and PCOS so 60 days seemed like too much for me. I believe in being realistic with my goals so I thought 30 days would be good, and challenging. Again I like to be realistic so I decided to aim for 15 days straight, and hopefully build from there. I brought it up to hubby and as you can imagine he did not need any convincing.
What I didn’t want was for this to become yet another task on the proverbial to do list or for it to feel like a chore so I added prompts to keep it fun. I challenge you to join me for the next 15 days and watch what happens in your marriage. See if your husband can keep up with you.
Start with a hand job
Use a sex toy (you have one don’t play)
Get saucey- Whip cream or some type drizzle (chocolate, caramel)- my husband makes a fantastic chocolate mousse whew!!!
Try a new position (done them all? This day do NOT do your favorite)
Remember when I said my original thought was 30 days? Well I have 25 more prompts I am only sending to my email friends. I know the challenge is only 15 days but I am an over achiever and wanted to give my email friends a really good list they can mix up if they like. Wait, you are not an email friend, I’m not sure what you are waiting for they get all the extra goodies. Sign up here if you like.
I of course recommend doing the complete 15 days but I understand things happen; Mother Nature visits, kids get sick and don’t sleep, or you over estimate yourselves and are worn out by day 5. You do not have to do anything special to join the challenge. I do ask that you send me an email or leave me a comment letting me know you decided to take the challenge. This way I can find you on social media check in and keep you accountable. Also you can connect with me on social media using the handle @mrstoyacarter for IG as well as for Twitter, you can find me on Facebook too. Be sure to use the hashtag #sexdare15 so I can find you. Happy loving!!!